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The trouble probably started when my first child was just over one.

It Took Completely Losing Myself To Be Able To Really Find Myself | Thought Catalog

Up until then my husband and I were a force, conquering feeding, bath time, nappy changing and teething. He bought me coffee every day after work and took over domestic duties so I could rest. Life was great. An odd dizziness arrived and a fuzziness in my thinking.

Lost Myself

Doctors diagnosed all types of things, including an allergy to mould. Yes, mould.

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We had our home professionally tested — nothing was detected. I was devastated because that was my answer: just get rid of the mould and all would be ok.

Looking back, I can see the initial joy of motherhood was over. I had just finished breastfeeding and my hormones were likely a mess. Perhaps reality was sinking in too: I had to get back to work and was highly stressed. Anyway, I pulled myself together and returned to the office and just when I got my groove back and started liking me again — I fell pregnant. From here, things took a turn for the worse. My first child was just months-old.

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She was besotted with me, and I with her, and I felt a world of guilt for bringing a baby between us. I was catapulted into a strange and sometimes troubling time.

A therapist later diagnosed me with anxiety. After being fancy free for so long I was now worrying — a lot.

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